Fat Lumberjack Slob: A Scene of Domestic Bliss

Kris comes home from work. I leave my computer to go visit.

Kris: Tell me you didn’t wear that shirt today.

J.D.: I wore this shirt today.

Kris: …

J.D.: What’s wrong with this shirt?

Kris: You look like a fat lumberjack.

J.D.: …

Kris: Untuck it. [I untuck it.] That’s no good. Now you look like a fat lumberjack slob. Did you run the dishwasher?

J.D.: Oops. [I go run the dishwasher.]

Kris: Don’t tell me you forgot.

J.D.: I forgot.

Kris: …

J.D.: Why are we running the dishwasher again, anyhow? We just ran it last night.

Kris: Yes, but you made a salad.

J.D.: …

Kris: Did you get cat food?

J.D.: Oops.

Kris: …

J.D.: But I fed the cats!

Ah, married life is pretty hilarious sometimes. For the husband, anyhow. Of course, everything can be made right by a trip to Gino’s for clams. Yum!

Least Complicated

Today was the beginning of the rest of my life. It was my first official day away from the box factory as an actual writer. From here forward, I’ll be taking every Tuesday off. Starting in April, I’ll add another day off (probably Mondays), and so on. By this time next year, I’ll be working from home full-time.

Though this move comes with some trepidation, I’m pleased to report that one of my fears seems unfounded.

I had worried that by staying home, I’d simply free time for goofing off. The primary reason I want to write full-time is that I feel thwarted by the constant (justified) interruptions at the box factory, and from Kris when she’s home. But would I stay on task when on my own? It appears I will.

Over the past couple days, I’ve managed to reply to about 20% of my e-mail backlog, write ahead for the next week at Get Rich Slowly, and even bank three or four articles in case of emergency.

I’ve also managed to read a couple personal finance books and watch several episodes of Star Trek. What I’m trying to say is: this is going to work just fine. I’m going to stay on task. The quality and quantity of my writing should improve.

I still have some apprehension regarding the financial side of things. Yes, I’m earning enough from my web income to support me, but now that I’ve had a brief taste of earning two incomes, I have stars in my eyes. Two incomes is a lot of money.

But two incomes is also a lot of work, and that’s one thing I’m trying to escape. I want to focus on just the one job, the writing. The writing is what I love.

“This is My New Year’s Resolution…”

As a reward to myself for paying off all my debt, I recently signed up for XM Satellite Radio. It’s awesome. I love the ability to listen to loads of music that matches my mood exactly.

My top channel is XM 44 — also known as “Fred” — which plays “alternative” music from 1978-1988. We didn’t call this alternative music back then. I don’t know what we called it. Some of it — Duran Duran and their New Wave kin — found wide airplay on the radio, but most of it — The Cure, New Order, early U2 — did not. The station is awesome.

I also like channel 84 — XM Chill — which plays chill-out music. (Chill-out music is basically mellow, light jazz (not “smooth” jazz) and electronic music.) The third station that sees heavy rotation is channel 4 — the 1940s station.

I still love early American popular music. Though my plans for a site devoted to the subject are on permanent vacation, I listen to recorded music from the 1890s to the 1940s all the time. XM Channel 4 plays mostly stuff from the 1940s, but sometimes squeezes in tunes from the 1930s or even the 1920s. It’s great.

Anyhow, the whole reason I’m telling you this is that they just played a 1949 song called “Happy New Year” by Spike Jones and His City Slickers. I’d never heard it before. According to some quick Googling, this was the B-side to the immensely popular “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”. The internet — this amazing series of tubes — actually yielded a version of the record being played on a 1956 Philco:

This song is hilarious. Enjoy!

101 Things in 1001 Days (280-Day Update)

Last spring at Get Rich Slowly, I wrote about the 101 things in 1001 days project (which I learned about from dienu.com). I drafted my list of 101 goals on March 25th, my 38th birthday. I updated my progress for a couple of months, but it’s been a while since I took a look at how I’m doing.

It’s probably no surprise that the financial goals on this list have seen the most progress. They get the most attention. Of my ten financial goals, I’ve accomplished five of them, and am close to completing four others. (This would leave only one financial goal remaining.) On the other hand, I’m far far away from completing most of my health and fitness goals. Let’s hope that Get Fit Slowly can help me remedy this.

Here’s the current state of my list:

List updated 01 Jan 2008

Health and Fitness

14 goals

1. Give up sugar for a week 4 Jun 07

2. Eat only home-prepared food for one month

3. Eat vegetarian for one month

4. Get cholesterol to healthy levels

5. Have a colonoscopy doctor discouraged this

6. Complete a marathon

7. Complete a 100-mile bike ride

8. Play a team sport

9. Do 100 push-ups

10. Bench-press my body weight

11. Complete a one-mile swim

12. Maintain a weight of 170 or below for six months

13. Drink only water for one month 31 May 2007

14. Give up alcohol for three months 31 Jul 07

Financial

10 goals

1. Pay off all non-mortgage debt 3 Dec 07

2. Fully fund Roth IRA (2006) 10 Apr 07

3. Fully fund Roth IRA (2007) 8 Jan 08

4. Fully fund Roth IRA (2008)

5. Fully fund Roth IRA (2009)

6. Establish a $5000 personal emergency fund

7. Open a high-yield online savings account 13 Sep 07

8. Automate bill payments Nov 2007

9. Automate IRA contributions

10. Get a safety deposit box

Home and Garden

19 goals

1. Get the birds out of the workshop ceiling

2. Repair ceiling upstairs in house

3. Clean all gutters and install gutter guards

4. Finish modernizing the electrical system

5. Build a patio

6. Prune the holly trees

7. Learn how to use the chainsaw properly

8. Finish building the horseshoe pit

9. Hire somebody to paint the house

10. Open all windows that are painted shut

11. Park my car in the garage (this entails a lot of sub-steps)

12. Remove debris file from beneath the cedar Oct 2007

13. Add new spigots outside

14. Get a rug or carpet for the library

15. Acquire some nice office furniture Sep 2007

16. Create home maintenance checklist (and follow it)

17. Erect a hammock

18. Aquire a chipper Sep 2007

19. Set up workshop for woodworking

Personal

11 goals

1. Purge wardrobe of anything I haven’t worn in the past two years in progress

2. Get a massage

3. Learn to shave with a safety razor 15 May 2007

4. Update my address book

5. Sell record collection

6. Get rid of computer books Summer 2007

7. Sell CDs, keeping only hard-to-find favorites in progress

8. Sell comic books

9. Sell board games

10. Hold a gourmet potluck

11. Create the Indispensable Comic Strip Reprint Library in progress

Self-Improvement

7 goals

1. Take a speech-com class (Dale Carnegie?)

2. Take a drawing class

3. Take a Spanish class

4. Take a yoga class

5. Take a cooking class

6. Give a good radio interview 6 Nov 07

7. Give a good television interview

Adventure

6 goals

1. Get tickets for World Cup South Africa

2. Skydive

3. Go on a trip by myself

4. Go white-water rafting

5. Ride in a hot-air balloon

6. Learn to shoot a gun Kris beat me to this and taunts me about it

Entertainment

3 goals

1. See all Oscar-winners for Best Picture 53/79, though I want to review some

2. See all Oscar-winners for Best Documentary 5/64

3. Bowl 300 on Wii Sports

Photography

3 goals

1. Sell/publish a second photo

2. Digitize all photos

3. Sell $100 of images at iStockPhoto

Reading

5 goals

1. Read all of Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past 1/7

2. Read all of Shakespeare’s plays (no matter what Kris says) 13/37

3. Read all of Dickens 5/17

4. Read all Hugo & Nebula winners in progress

5. Read all Pulitzer winners (for fiction) 8/54

Writing

8 goals

1. Compile and print a Friends Cookbook

2. Sell a short story

3. Sell a poem

4. Sell a magazine article

5. Write a book some progress in the department!

6. Publish a book

7. Participate in National Novel Writing Month

8. Digitize all of my creative writing

Work

15 goals

1. Implement GRS forums 15 Apr 07

2. Implement GRS book section

3. Implement GRS tools and calculators section

4. Start a GRS podcast in progress

5. Complete GRS redesign

6. Complete Animal Intelligence redesign Summer 2007

7. Move all old foldedspace entries to the new database in progress

8. Launch Success Daily site created — building content

9. Launch Vintage Pop on hold

10. Launch Too Much Cat domains purchased

11. Interview Robert Kiyosaki (or host guest post)

12. Interview Dave Ramsey (or host guest post)

13. Achieve $10,000 web income in one month

14. 1,000,000 visitors in one month to GRS

15. 100,000 RSS subscribers at GRS

I now know that some of these will never be accomplished. Setting up other web sites? Not going to happen. I don’t consider this a failure — it’s just a shifting of priorities. And I’d now rather beat “Super Samurai” on Dance Dance Revolution than bowl 300 at Wii Sports.

Happy New Year everyone!

1979 Jerry Pournelle Interview on the Future of Computers

David H. must have had a lot of free time lately. He’s dug up a lot of good stuff. Though some of this is destined for GRS or GFS, here’s one video that doesn’t have a good home besides foldedspace.

In this clip from 1979, talk show host Tom Snyder speaks with scientist Durk Pearson and science fiction author Jerry Pournelle about the future of publishing, computers, and technology. Look at them predict the internet!

I love the part where Pournelle whips out his pocket calculator and says something like, “In 1952, ENIAC took up a field house. Governments paid millions of dollars to use this machine. This pocket calculator cost $249 and anyone can use it.”

I also like Pournelle’s pipe. When was the last time you saw an intelligent, well-to-do man smoking on television? It’s now an activity reserved for the poor or the evil.

Listening Man

One of my favorite things about the end of the year are the “best of” lists that come out. I don’t have the time or the inclination to pay attention to pop music, movies, and videogames anymore. I especially don’t have time to wade through the 90% of this stuff that’s just crap.

With music, especially, I count on the year-end lists to point me to new stuff. This is the only time I really ever watch music videos. These “best videos of the year” lists have begun to appear (Pitchfork, Director File), and I spent some time this morning looking through them. There’s some great stuff here.

For example, I love the video to this song. (Be patient. The pay-off comes past the midway point.) Twee? Too cute for its own good? Maybe. I don’t care.


The Bees – Listening Man

Love it. This video, on the other hand, is just fun to watch:


Bats for Lashes – What’s a Girl to Do?

Ah, to be young again, and to have time for music.

Best Clam Chowder Ever (Updated Edition)

Winter — ’tis the season to make clam chowder. I continue to hone my clam chowder recipe, which I originally shared almost five years ago. This chowder originated as a recipe shared in Bon Appétit magazine, but I’ve adapted it enough that I feel content calling it my own.

I’ve probably made this chowder 25 times now — I make it five or six times a year. Each time I make it, it’s a little different. I learn things as I go. My latest version of the recipe is narrative.

J.D.’s Clam Chowder

Read this entire recipe before starting. Prepare all ingredients in advance. This recipe can be time-consuming (it takes 60-90 minutes from start to finish), and until you know where your slack periods are, it’s best to have everything ready to go instead of having to scramble in a panic because you suddenly need your onions.

Open two 51-ounce cans of clams. Reserve the juice into a large pot. Add 5# russet potatoes (do not use Yukon gold — they’re too mealy). Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and cook until potatoes are just tender (al dente). They will soften more in later steps. Draw off about two cups of liquid from the potato mixture for later use.

Mince a bulb of garlic (a bulb, not a clove). Rub the inside of your largest pot with garlic. Set garlic aside. Chop two yellow onions. Chop a bunch of celery, including leaves (but not including bases, of course).

Over medium heat, melt half a stick of butter in your largest pot (which has been rubbed with garlic). Add 1# bacon, chopped. I prefer thick bacon for this chowder. Pepper bacon is good. (I sometimes use bacon ends from a local butcher — they’re big and meaty.) Brown the bacon. When the bottom of the pot becomes gummy and sticky, brown for another minute or two. Add celery, onions, garlic, and one bay leaf. The vegetables will remove the gummy stickiness. Cook for several minutes, until vegetables soften.

Reduce heat to low. Stir in 1/2 cup flour. Once everything is good and gummy, gradually add the previously reserved potato liquid, whisking occasionally. This will create a thick, gummy gravy-like mass. It will thin as you add more liquid. By adding the liquid slowly, you’re able to keep more of the thickness. (You may also increase the thickness by using more flour. But this chowder isn’t meant to be a thick chowder.)

Stir in clams. Stir in one tablespoon hot pepper sauce, such as Tapatío or Tabasco. (I prefer the former.) Stir in one tablespoon hickory smoke salt. Add potato mixture and stir. Add one quart half-and-half. Add copious fresh ground black pepper to taste. Simmer five minutes, stirring frequently. This allows the flavors to blend.

This chowder is good immediately, but it’s even better after a couple days in the fridge. It keeps for up to a week. This recipe will probably make about 16-20 servings.

Do not skimp on the hot pepper sauce. This is a crucial ingredient. I’m not joking. I also think the hickory smoke salt is important. I use Spice Islands brand. (It may be possible to substitute liquid smoke, but I haven’t tried that yet.) This chowder is even better with fresh clams, but I haven’t perfected ratios and quantities when doing it this way.

Jenn recently made this chowder using fish stock in place of some of the clam juice, and not using any smoke seasoning. It was good, and less salty than my version (which I confess is pretty salty). Her version actually had an unexpected sweetness to it that surprised me. It wasn’t bad, but I plan to stick with clam juice in the future.

This recipe makes a ginormous batch of the stuff. That’s the way we like it. It’s enough to feed a dinner party, with lots left over. When I make this, there’s always tons left over so that Kris and I can eat on it for a week. Which we do.

Beautiful Star of Bethlehem

Every few years, Jeremy and Jennifer hold a Christmas party with lots of food, wine, and song.

Tiffany says the singing is unusual, and maybe it is. I remember lots of singing at the gatherings I went to as a kid, but a lot of those were Mennonite events too. Music is an important part of the Mennonite tradition, and, especially, of the Gingerich family culture.

Three years ago, the Gingeriches came together to record a CD of their best-loved hymns. This year they produced an album of Christmas music, mixing traditional songs with lesser-known stuff. I remember singing the following in Tom’s choir class in high school:

Break Forth, O Beauteous Heavenly Light

Though I like the CD of hymns better than the CD of carols, the best song from either album can be found at the end of the latter disc. I’ve never heard this song before, but I love it:

Beautiful Star of Bethlehem

Well done!

Here Are Some Facts About Santa

Eight or nine years ago, Kris and I took a Saturday around Christmas to drive all over creation playing Santa, delivering goodies to our friends. We’ve harbored fond memories of that trip, but never made the time to repeat it until now.

On Friday, Mr. and Mrs. Claus boarded the sleigh — Mrs. Claus’ sleigh because Mr. Claus still has no heat in his — and delivered presents to good boys and girls down near Canby and Woodburn. We got to chat with Kara, Kim, Kristin, and Steve and Mary. On Saturday, the industrious couple made a run to Newberg, Beaverton, and various parts of Portland.

“We should do this every year,” I said to Mrs. Claus when we had finished. “I like spending the hour or so chatting with each family, seeing them in their environment without a lot of stress all around. And all the kids seem to like it, too.”

“Yes,” Mrs. Claus said. “It’s fun.”

Because we were too lazy to drag our sleigh all the way to McMinnville, Michael and Laura and Ethan and Sophia agreed to meet us halfway. They joined us at a Chinese restaurant in Newberg. We had a slow, relaxed lunch during which the children charmed us (as they always do). Ethan is six and Sophia is four. They are both very verbal and overflowing with ideas. Ethan gave us updates on his nature museum and bug zoo. His fund-raising drive is going well, and he hopes to have the museum built and opened by summer.

Near the end of our meal, Kris asked Ethan, “What do you know about Santa?”

Ethan fixed her with a serious gaze and said, “Here are some facts about Santa.” Fortunately, I had my notebook open and ready to scribble. Most of what you read below is verbatim from Ethan’s mouth.

“Here are some facts about Santa,” Ethan said. “One, he has super powers. Three, he —”

“You forgot number two,” the adults corrected.

“Two, he has jingle bells. Three, he has a sleigh. Four, he has a magic sleigh. Five, he has magic reindeer.”

“What about his home life?” Kris asked. “Does Santa live with anyone?”

“He has Mrs. Claus, and he has some elves,” Ethan said.

“Do they have jobs?” asked Kris.

Ethan nodded. “The elves have lots of jobs. One, they have to be disguised in public. Let’s say I was bad. The elves — who could be disguised as anything — would see and would tell Santa.”

“Two,” Ethan continued (he likes lists), “they have to find out what kind of toy you like. Three, they make the toys. They invent the toys. Four, the elves guard the sleigh — there are a couple of elves on board. Five, they help Santa with The List.”

“Is there on-board navigation?” asked Michael, Ethan’s father. “Like GPS?”

“Sort of,” Ethan said. “He has an air map.” He spent a couple minutes describing how the air map worked before Kris steered him back to the original topic of conversation.

“What does Mrs. Claus do?” she asked.

“Well, Mrs. Claus has to make dinner,” Ethan said. “Sometimes they go out. How do they go out without people knowing they’re Santa? They dress up like just regular people. But pretty much Mrs. Claus does clothes and stuff. Sometimes she gets to relax. Mostly when Santa is gone.”

“Is Santa really fat?” asked his mother, Laura.

“No, he’s not. He’s really skinny,” Ethan said. And here my notes end. He gave us more information on Santa, but they were all minor compared to the enumerated lists he’d shared before.

I’ve often noted to Kris how different friends play different roles in our lives. Some are for relaxing. Some are for exploring new things. And some make me think in ways that are different from normal. The same is true with children. I have to admit, I find it exhilarating to interact with kids — especially young kids — who seem to have unbounded imaginations. Ethan and Sophia are two of those.

Just a Joke

Wow. I never thought the dead baby jokes would hit such a sore spot. I grew up listening to these, and so I just assumed everyone else had too. And like anything a person grows up with, I’m inured to the literal meaning of the stories and have learned to take them for what they are meant to represent. I apologize for those who found them distasteful.

By way of compensation, I’ve dug up some other jokes — some (mostly) non-offensive jokes — from a past entry.

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny to you?”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To put out burning camp fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks.

Two atoms are leaving a bar when one realizes that he left his electrons back in the bar. His friend asks, “Are you sure?” “Yes,” he replies. “I’m positive!”

Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?

A: An American.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Little Red riding Hood is walking through the forest on the way to see her grandmother. She sees the wolf crouching down beside the track. “What big eyes you have!” she says. “Get lost,” says the wolf, “I’m taking a crap.”

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

And, finally, here’s one that Dana told to foldedspace readers way back when:

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leave. “Well, look at that,” said the biologist. “They must have reproduced!” “No,” said the physicist, “the initial measurement wasn’t accurate.” “Well, I’ll tell you one thing,” said the mathematician. “If one more person enters, it’ll be empty!”

Funny stuff!